Grumbling Tummy

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’

The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of  our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’

God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’

The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are  delicious!’

Technorati Tags: cat, God, humor, humour, joke, mice

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

Whether (Con) Liberal or Labour , I think you’ll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ‘

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.’

Technorati Tags: Conservative, government, humour, humor, joke, Labour, Lib Dem, politics

A minister decided that a visual Demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were  placed into four separate jars.

The first worm  was put into a container Of  alcohol..

The  second worm was put into a container Of cigarette smoke..

The  third worm was put into a container of Chocolate  syrup.

The  fourth worm was put into a container of Good clean soil.

At  the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported  the following results:

The first worm in  alcohol – Dead.

The second worm  in cigarette smoke – Dead.

The third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.

Fourth  worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the  Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine was sitting in  the back, quickly raised her hand and said, ”As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That  pretty much ended the service.

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke, worms

Paddy had the following password at work …

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When his boss asked him why he had such a long password he replied,

Bejezus! are ye stupid? Sure I was told me password had to be at least 8 characters and include one capital!

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went…

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask.  He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you..’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too!  The other night I met my lover at his office and I was Wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes…  When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What’s for dinner Batman?"

Technorati Tags: black bra, humor, humour, joke

Fairly amusing.

Technorati Tags: joke, humour, humor, YouTube

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s  talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow  passenger.’

The  little girl, who had just opened her book,  closed it slowly and said to the stranger,  ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear  power?’ and he smiles.

‘OK’, she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass – . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out  a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?’

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh*t’?

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!’

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

‘Whoa there’, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one coming..’

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, ‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?’

Technorati Tags: joke, humor, humour

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentuckyback-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Technorati Tags: bagpipes, joke, humor, humour

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A Mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: ‘Hello’

WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’

MAN: ‘Yes’

WOMAN: ‘I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?’

MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.’

WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 Models. I saw one I really liked.’

MAN: ‘How much?’

WOMAN: ‘£65.000

MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’

WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £750,000.

MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it’s really a pretty good price.’

WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!’

MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and  asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, joke

Merry Christmas everyone!

Technorati Tags: blaugh.com, Christmas, Xmas

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker  walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger!

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

I could chuckle all day long at these Chewin’ the Fat clips.

Technorati Tags: Chewin The Fat, Neds, Tuechters

Via The Lone Voice 

Technorati Tags: Australians, Chopper, humor, humour, joke, Ronnie Johns