Grumbling Tummy

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’

The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’

The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’

To which the rabbi replied, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’

The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’

The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’

The priest replied, ‘Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, ‘Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, joke, Priest, Rabbi

This one is for everyone who…

1. has kids
2. had kids
3. was a kid
4. knows a kid
5. is going to have kids

I guess that means all of us!!

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ‘Daddy, look at this’ , and stuck out one of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny finger in my mouth and said , ‘Daddy’s gonna eat your finger!’

Pretending to eat it. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her finger with a devastated look on her face.

I said, ‘What’s wrong, honey?’

She replied, ‘What happened to my bogey?’

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

The title of this post says it all… I got caught by the Google Street View car a few months back! It caught me getting into my car after I had been into the doctors’ surgery at Ladybank.

View Larger Map

Yes, it really is me.

Technorati Tags: Google, Google Street View, Ladybank

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bandit for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella  felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bandit, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bandit suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bandit and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bandit walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

"Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off!"

Technorati Tags: Cinderella, humor, humour, joke

Ever since I was a child I’ve always had a fear of someone hiding under my bed at night. So I recently went to a shrink to see what could be done.

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.  I’m scared.  I think I’m going crazy.’ was my initial comments to the shrink.

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

‘How much do you charge?’ I enquired.

‘Eighty pounds per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, eighty quid a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new sports car!’

‘Is that so!’

With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!!!’

SCREW THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

Technorati Tags: bartender, humor, humour, joke

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will easily answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That’s right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That’s right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That’s right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the Questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and shouts: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"*

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke, Little Johnny, Tiger Woods

Classic and so true!

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, joke, tax holder

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says…

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep!"

Technorati Tags: cow, humor, humour, joke, Scotsman, sheep

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.  
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.  
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield..
S: Suspect you’re right..

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last…………….

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer..
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Technorati Tags: funny, humour, humor, joke, mechanic, pilot, Qantas

‘Of course I won’t laugh!’, said the nurse. ‘I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.’

‘Okay then.’ said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘man-thingy’ the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure..

‘I am so sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?’

‘It’s swollen!’, Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

A funny video from Sophos in the style of Harry Enfield’s “Mr Cholmondley-Warner Government Information Films”.

Technorati Tags: Harry Enfield, humour, humor, Sophos

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-fact replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……."

Technorati Tags: condoms, humor, humour, joke

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’

The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of  our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’

God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’

The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are  delicious!’

Technorati Tags: cat, God, humor, humour, joke, mice

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

Whether (Con) Liberal or Labour , I think you’ll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ‘

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.’

Technorati Tags: Conservative, government, humour, humor, joke, Labour, Lib Dem, politics