If you're new here then where have you been? You should subscribe to my RSS newsfeed so you don't miss all the cool stuff going on here. Thanks for visiting!
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did… and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now….. show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
Looks like our MPs need more communications budget to pay for bandwidth! Under the magnifying glass Julie Kirkbride MP has been taken off the Internet as her hosting package doesn’t meet the needs of the electorate. Perhaps fate is hinting at the future awaiting this MP.
Screenshot: Julie Kirkbride’s website displays an error
Regardless, I think we should all put our hands into our pocket to help out these public servant… no wait, our pockets have already been dipped by a criminal gang working out of Westminster.
I can’t believe the media didn’t spot the fact that the Communities Minister, Hazel Blears MP, had a worthless cheque for £13k in her hands the other day! It didn’t have a payee on it!
Still not sure if it is a blank payee?
Looks very much like no payee details!
For Hazel’s benefit, the taxman is called “HMRC” or “Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs”. Heck they probably would also accept “The Capital Gains Bastards”! Here’s hoping she can now finish off that cheque and get it into the post ASAP following my little piece of advice. The country desperately needs this kind of cash in the current financial crisis caused and overseen by the people in power.
I realise many MPs will all be struggling about who collects the taxes of the sheep and plebs so I count this blog post as a public service to the 650 odd “Honourable Members” that attend the mother fucker of all Parliaments, located in that modest wee building in Westminster.
One further tip….Try to avoid numbered Swiss bank account numbers and Cayman Island bank accounts in the payee part of any cheques written out to the taxman.
I really can’t wait for the next general election so the mass cull of all these political parasites can begin.
The Barber – One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen different books, such as ‘How to Improve Your Business’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
I am a crack dealer in Greenock who recently has been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Paisley , and one of my sisters who lives in Ferguslie Park , is married to a transvestite. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and is currently dependant on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes at Blythewood Square.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Peterhead for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is being held in the Barlinnie jail on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Aberdeen and is still a “part time working girl” in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully the heroin habits that they are so deeply involved with.
All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is a Celtic Season Ticket Holder ???
A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says, "Look mum I’m Scottish."
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can’t believe you just said that, go and tell your gran what you just said."
The boy goes to his gran and says, "Look gran I’m Scottish"
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can’t believe you just said that, go tell your dad what you just said!"
The boy goes to his dad and says, "Look dad – I’m Scottish.”
His dad goes ballistic – takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing. Then he says to him – "I can’t believe you just said that, now how do you feel"?
The boy replies, "I’ve only been Scottish for five minutes and already I hate you English bastards!"
A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco’s………
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
I’ve loved watching Battlestar Galactica over the last four years. Last night the ultimate episode aired on Sky One in the UK, an event on which I’d be patiently waiting for months. The first half of the finale night was up to the usual high standards, but what the frak was the rest about!
The Adam-and-Eve ending is a terrible sci-fi cliche, even though Rod Serling managed to get away with it in one of his classic Twilight Zone episodes. It’s creative writing 101: If you’re writing a dystopian science-fiction tale, do not write an Adam-and-Eve ending. It’s already been done countless times, and better.
Anders should have taken the show writers and producers on the final joy ride into Earth’s sun! You guys made a clusterfrak with that ending. I couldn’t believe it was the same show I was watching last night as the one I’d spent the last few years enjoying! You’re a bunch of motherfrakers for wrecking a great series!
Here’s hoping the spin-off series, “Caprica”, is more BSG pre-finale episode rather than that excuse of a last hour. I’ll don’t think I’ll bother if it is going to continue in a similar vein as BSG ended.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
Ye measure distance in minutes.
Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
You’ve been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop…
Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.
Chances are you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;
how’s it hingin
clarty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
erse bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba’-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget
And finally a wee piece of Glesga humour……
A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, ‘Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?’ ‘Naw,’ replies the butcher. ‘It’s jist ma haun’s ah’m heatin’.
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him!" she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I’m afraid I can’t," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him…" she whispered, "There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything… He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What’s the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!”
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. 
