A classic Karen Dunbar sketch…
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded…”I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”
“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from the f**kin’ skippin”.
Man buy’s a Budgie from Scotland.
It keeps repeating, “Am a Glesca Budgie I’m as hard as f**k”
After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a Kestrel and puts it in the cage saying, “Let’s see how hard you are now!”
Next morning the Kestrel is dead and the Budgie is repeating, “Am a Glesca Budgie am hard as f**k!”
Man buys a Buzzard puts it in the cage. Next morning the Buzzards dead and the Budgie is saying, “Am a Glesca Budgie am hard as f**k!”
Man buys a Golden Eagle puts it in the cage. Next morning the Eagle is dead and the Budgie has no feathers left?
Budgie says, “Had tae take ma jaikit aff fur that F**ker!”
(for my English friends) I had to take my jacket off for that f**ker!
Mr Punch’s parody of the Black Eyed Peas hit Time of My Life.
Imagine being the Libyan leaders bodyguard when someone tries to shoot him and you have to shout “Gadaffi Duck!”
… but better…
Four men were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his friends and play a round of golf.
His friends all chimed in and said, ‘Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, work out a way to do it and meet here early on Christmas morning.’
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first man says, ‘My word! This game has cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.’
The second man says, ‘I spent a lot too. My wife’s at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.’
The third man says ‘Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.’
They all turn to the fourth man who is staring at them as though they have lost their minds.
‘I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the backside and said, “Well my dear, a Merry Christmas to you. It’s an absolutely perfect morning for sex or golf” and she said, ‘Take a sweater with you…’
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.
‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster. ‘
The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’
The madam opened the brothel door in Prestwick and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Suzy.”
“Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else” , said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Suzy.”
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy. Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts. The price is still £5000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied, ” Edinburgh.”
“Really,” she said. “I have family in Edinburgh!”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’
Dear God, my prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Very funny stuff from Harry Enfield and Ronnie Corbett.
I’ll be watching The One Ronnie if this is the standard of comedy throughout the show.
Awesome call to the Emergency Services.
This is one of the greatest routines I’ve ever seen!
George Carlin was a genius… RIP.