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An elephant asks a camel, “Why are your boobs on your back?”
“Well,” says the camel, “I think that’s a stupid question from somebody whose dick is on his face.”
Those of a nervous or biblical disposition may wish to look away now.
Yesterday was a day for buying some bits and pieces from the local butchers - nothing of any real significance there. Well not until the total was tallied up and came to the grand sum of £6.66. Warning number one that reminded me of a sequence of events many years ago, a story we’ll come back to in a moment.
Today saw another alarming moment whilst driving along to the local shop: the trip meter on the car turned to 666 miles. Warning number two in my book!
Perhaps warning number 3 will see the “End of Days” visited upon us! You have been warned and you may wish to reread the Book of Revelations to know what cometh this way. Repent for tomorrow may see the final “666” and you may well be fucked from getting into the Kingdom of God. Or maybe it’s just a load of old bollocks!!!
Now back to the event a few years back…
Dave Barr, a fellow engineer at Motorola, and I flew out to the US for a training course in sunny San Diego. A great time was had by all and we met some very interesting Americans - more of this in a future blog post. With the course over we made our way back to the UK via a two day stop over in Austin, where we visited with our colleagues in the Motorola plant. One evening we thought that it would be a bit different to go out for dinner, so into the car we jumped and with Dave acting as chauffeur we proceed to drive along the streets of Austin and onto the Interstate.
Before long we were struggling to find anywhere to eat, not really that surprising when you consider we were travelling along a motorway class road at 70 mph! About thirty minutes into this futile mission the decision to turn off the Interstate to find somewhere to eat was taken. Steadily the road changed into hick country roads with no street lighting and mile after mile of observable countryside. We must have drove along those roads for forty minutes before come to the alarming conclusion that perhaps we were lost! Just at that very moment, with the car sipping away at the last few drops of fuel fumes and with an intensifying fear of being lost and coming to harm, the road dipped down into “Devil’s Creek”!
I don’t know what made me look at the mile-o-meter at that particular moment or in that particular place, but fate played a cruel trick as it scrolled around to 666 miles. Both Dave and I came across all “someone’s walking over my grave” [shudder]. Needless to say we both thought it was a sign and we’d be unlikely to live through that night!
I was even heard to exclaim, “We’re going to die tonight!”
If memory serves me correct, I’m almost certain that Dave screamed out like a little girl at the thought of dying in hickville with an empty stomach!
Luckily, about 15 miles down the road we found a lone service station that provided the facilities to feed the car with fuel and to get direction back to the Interstate. We quickly made our way back to Austin, ending up at a restaurant only minutes away from the hotel. At least we were safe and sound, well for the time being….
During that trip I was amazed and startled at the lack of security for internal flights! I even commented to Dave how easy it would be for a terrorist to take advantage of this situation. Sadly, a few years later my words came back to haunt the world as we saw 911 change things forever.
Technorati Tags: 666, 911, Auston, Book of Revelations, Dave Barr, End of Days, End Times, Motorola, San Diego, Texas
Colin just posted an amusing little Xmas YouTube video that is an alterative Indian take of the 12 Days of Xmas. Enjoy!
Technorati Tags: 12 Days of Christmas, 12 Days of Xmas, Indian, YouTube
And So It Began–
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-
“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with the Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
Technorati Tags: humour, humour, husband store, joke
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed a most unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.The man couldn’t stand his curiosity any longer, so he approached the man walking with the dog…
“I am so sorry to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in a single line. Whose funeral is it?”
The solitary man replies, “That first coffin is for my wife.”
“What happened to her?”, he inquires.
“My dog attacked and killed her.” responds the man.
The man now totally intrigued by the other coffin asks, “Well, who is in the second coffin?”
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also.”, replies the man.
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement , “Can I borrow the dog?”
The solitary man gestures towards the procession and replies, “Join the queue.”
Technorati Tags: funeral, humor, humour, joke, mother-in-law
Carmen Electra and Alison Sweeney show the beautiful people aren’t quite so perfect after all.
Technorati Tags: Alison Sweeney, Carmen Electra, beautiful people
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