Grumbling Tummy

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Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,  Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

.

Employer’s response:…..

Dear Peggy May,

It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check. You can start on Monday.

Your sincerely

Marshall Casanova
HR Director

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke, resume

Decide for yourself which one it may be!

Did I mention the 2nd one may not be safe for work!

Technorati Tags: Ave Maria Florida, Catholic Town, Ned, YouTube

Car Talk reports:

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Albuquerque police have taken doughnut runs to new heights, swooping down in a police helicopter for a late-night snack.

Ned, a concerned citizen made some enquiries to find out what was happening! Thankfully, he recorded it and put it on YouTube.

Technorati Tags: Albuquerque, donuts, funny, humor, humour, prank call, YouTube

Enjoy…

Technorati Tags: advert, Australia, funny, humor, humour, YouTube

These two videos say it all!

Technorati Tags: anti-piracy, funny, humor, humour, YouTube

Forth Road Bridge and Tay Road Bridge tolls are officially gone. Yee-haa!

Now we’ll see that the bridges are not the major traffic jams generators claimed by some folk. However, Dundee wasn’t ever that big a deal, but I predict it will now be so easy to get out of Edinburgh without waiting in massive tailbacks! We’ve already seen how much the A8000 was the contributing factor to southbound traffic jams since it was replaced by the new dual carriageway road.

Another success for the SNP lead Scottish Government.

Technorati Tags: Dundee, Edinburgh, Forth Road Bridge, Scottish Government, SNP, Tay Bridge

After many years of research costing millions of pounds, engineers at Strathclyde University have at last been able to explain Woman!

They have devised equipment during this many years of work:

Click on the images to enlarge even more.

Technorati Tags: engineering, humor, humour, joke, woman, Strathclyde University

Pinksy posted this little test and I thought it was indeed quite difficult to complete, slipping up once very slightly! Have a go at it yourself…

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

  1. This is this cat.
  2. This is is cat.
  3. This is how cat.
  4. This is to cat.
  5. This is keep cat.
  6. This is an cat.
  7. This is old cat.
  8. This is fart cat.
  9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

Technorati Tags: Harvard University, old folk test, Pinksy

Just as well Barnze lives in Nottingham, as he’d be bang in trouble if he was north of the border! The Scottish Government is looking for comment on their “Consultation on the Draft Cat Welfare Code of Practice: A Consultation Document issued by the Rural Directorate of the Scottish Government“.

Having said that, Section 5 has an interesting sentence:

It may be necessary, in the event of incurable illness, old age or, more suddenly, in the event of an accident, to arrange the euthanasia of your cat

So if the wee felines have a “little accident” then euthanasia is the answer!

But, he’d be getting gang rapped at “Her Majesty’s Pleasure” in Barlinnie Prison based on one of the next sentences:

The cat’s welfare must always come first.

Just bite down hard on the pillow mate and think of England :-).

[Source: The Register]

Technorati Tags: Barnze, cats, cat welfare, humor, humour, Scottish Government

Little Morris Cohen was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning mathematics. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Morris down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Morris came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Morris was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner; to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Morris brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Morris got an ‘A’ in math’s.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’

Little Morris looked at her and shook his head, ‘No’

‘Well, then’, she replied, ‘Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?’

Little Morris looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, at that moment I knew they weren’t f***ing around.’”

Technorati Tags: Catholic, church, humor, humour, joke

Actually, it was their website that was taken down yesterday due to a hacker using it for all kinds of nasty purposes. I discovered this issue earlier this week and worked on analysing the problem. The website was taken down within minutes once I had informed the Forth Estuary Transport Authority about the issue.

The full story, including the gruesome details, can be found on my company blog. It has also been picked up by The Register - read the news story here. There are also some follow-up blog postings for those folks that are interested.

Technorati Tags: FETA, Forth Road Bridge, hacker, The Register

Oh dear!

Technorati Tags: piggie bank

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue.

She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, “Whatever the cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. “Nae charge”, he says.

“No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!”, she says.

“Honestly, hen”, Tam replies, “it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deid gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.”

“So, I just switched their heids.” 

Technorati Tags: Glasgow, Glesga, humor, humour, joke, mortuary