Archive for July, 2008

Geoffrey

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A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool!  Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.

Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, ‘Well, Geoffrey , I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’

Nah, you all right, I don’t want it,’ said Geoffrey

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.’How about half a million bucks then?’

‘No thanks. I don’t want it,’ answered Geoffrey .

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.  How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again Geoffrey said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Geoffrey , then what do you want?’

Geoffrey said, ‘I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the Pool.”

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The Truth About North Sea Oil

The truth is starting to surface about how the British public, and Scottish citizens in particular, have been deceived about North Sea oil. Luckily, the word is out and thanks to the Internet we can find out the real facts and correct the misconceptions that have been allowed to fester for too long.

Everyone should read the Conservative commissioned McCrone Report that was classified as “Top Secret” for 30 years due to its sensitivity. The report and other suppressed and misrepresented facts and figures are available HERE.

Hayley Millar of BBC Scotland recently produced a programme titled, “Truth, Lies, Oil and Scotland”. Her report spells it out and I’ll leave it with you to watch this important investigation, warts and all! More information here.

Spread the word, spread the truth!

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Glasgow East Wakes Up To Labour

At last the people of Glasgow East has woken up to New Tories Labour and voted in an MP and a party that truly does care about them.  For those of you who don’t want to know the result, you may wish to look away now! Labour supporters and Gordon Brown may also wish to click away to some propaganda blog saying that this is a vote on the economy, not some kind of referendum on the government.

To summarise the result:

Candidate Party

Votes

John Mason Scottish Nationalist Party

11,277

Margaret Curran Scottish Labour

10,912

Davena Rankin Scottish Conservative

1,639

Ian Robertson Scottish Liberal Democrats

915

More analysis and information is available on the BBC website.

So the winning candidate is John Mason with a voting swing of 22.54% from Labour to the SNP, but the real winners are the people of Glasgow East. At least the recount called by Magrat Curran and her loser croonies was performed efficiently and quickly!

SNP Logo

One of my friends, who has voted SNP a good deal longer than myself, commented a while back on how people in the West of Scotland have a fatalist loyalty to Labour and will often vote for them because their father and their father’s father voted that way. However, tonight they’ve broken the bad habit of many generations and done themselves, their area and the whole of Scotland proud.

Today’s hero

John Mason MP
Photo: John Mason MP for Glasgow East

Congratulations and gratitude to my fellow Scottish citizens of Glasgow East for sending a message to the Labour government, who only care about your vote, not you as an individual. John Mason MP will be representing you full time and have the ear of people in Scotland who can make real positive changes for your area.

Now we wait to see the truth behind some of the speculation over the David Marshall resignation that caused this bye-election in the first place! There are some big signs that something is coming down the pipeline about this particular ex-MP.

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Careful Who You Scare

This is pretty amusing!

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You Won’t See This On The Antiques Roadshow

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A Timeless Classic

You wouldn’t believe this song was first released in 1992!

Artist: Ultra-sonic
Title:
Obsession

I’ve seen them live a few times and they are one of the best live dance acts I’ve ever seen. “Obsession” is without doubt their best and you simply can’t resist dancing like it was your last dance ever!

Still gives me goose-bumps listening to it today.

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Sneezing

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?’

‘I’m sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition.  Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.’ 

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before,’ he said. ‘Are you taking anything for it?

The woman nodded: ‘Pepper!’

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Boys Boys Boys

Remember this one?

Her boys are looking to have a good time!

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Round Like A Shot

Thanks go to Reversepsychology for the heads-up on this one. He’s just let me know that he doesn’t need an recognition, but I suspect that means he wants to see his name in lights… well I applied some reverse psychology to his statement!

News article capture image

Made me chuckle.

I’m left wondering what would be the equivalent statement here in the UK to get a similar response in the same kind of situation - probably be something involving a knife in our current criminal climate! Anyone come up with something witty?

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The Balcony

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
  ‘There’s a car being towed from the parking lot’, he shouted.
  ‘An Ambulance just drove by.’
  ‘Looks like the Anderson’s have company’, he called out.
  ‘Matt’s riding a new bike….’
  ‘Looks like the Sanders are moving’
  ‘Jason is on his skate board….’

After a few moments he announced, ‘The Coopers are having sex!!’

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know they are having sex?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.’

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The Creche

Photo says it all….

Photo of husband creche

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Fruit Polos

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

‘Red………..cherry,’

‘Yellow……..lemon,’

‘Green………lime,’

‘Orange…….orange.’

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

‘Well,’ he said ‘I’ll give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’ One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

‘Oh My God!!!! They’re arse-holes!!’

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The Website is Down

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages! Video embedded below.

Did I mention it probably isn’t safe for work! Yes, it really is that good.

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Prospective Labour Candidates Under Investigation

Anyone wonder why Nu Labour had to go through all those prospective candidates for the Glasgow East constituency before Magrat Curran came riding in on her white charger? It did seem like they couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery as prospective candidate after prospective candidate turned down one of the safest Nu Labour seats in the country.

Perhaps this is the reason they all declined!! All the main names in the frame to be a candidate, including Councillor George Ryan and Councillor Stephen Purcell, Leader of the Council, seem to be listed in that article as being under investigation by the Standards Commission of Scotland.

Wonder why this story got missed by the main stream media? Don’t the people of Glasgow deserve to know this kind of information before they go to the polling booths?

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84 Year Old Bride

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