Grumbling Tummy

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning…

Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!?’ he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!?’ he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, ‘For God’s sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you two idiots?’

She continues:
‘It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and then put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.’

She sighs, and continues:
‘It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the damn cat’s litter tray, gave them both their food, and refilled their water.

‘And NOW that you’ve BOTH decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, … listen carefully … because I’m ONLY going to say this ONCE…’

‘I HAVEN’T HAD THE TIME TO MAKE YOUR F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!’

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke, Three Bears

My attempt on the Barack Obama Inauguration Speech Generator:

My fellow Americans, today is a mischievous day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "forest", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually engorge.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces gregarious and scheming challenges like never before. Our economy is crunchy. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for soldiers. Our healthcare system is pink. If your sphincter is sick and you don’t have insurance, you might as well call a Lumberjack. And America’s image overseas is tarnished like a anal dilator sticker. But running together we can right this ship, and set a course for White House.

Finally, I must thank my murky family, my flashing campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank Pixies for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of watching the American people. Without your blue efforts, none of this would have been possible.

Via Pinksy.

Technorati Tags: Barack Obama, funny, humour, humour

Via Pinksy:

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn’t seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo

Technorati Tags: funny, humour, humor, Star Wars

Technorati Tags: cartoon, funny, humour, humor, Road Runner, Wile E Coyote

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn’t help but notice how lovely Peter’s flat mate, Joanne, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum’s thoughts, Peter volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates.’

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?’

‘Well I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure’, said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,

I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DID’ TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DID NOT’ TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DO’ SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DO NOT’ SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day:

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, joke, words of wisdom

Just as well the Celebrity Big Brother gig came along for Comrade Tommy Sheridan as it looks like he was struggling to get a job fixed up!

Technorati Tags: Celebrity Big Brother, Tommy Sheridan

Tommy Sheridan may well be on Celebrity Big Brother, but who’d have believed he’s already tried to get on TV! Well, here’s the proof of him trying to get onto QVC.

Technorati Tags: Celebrity Big Brother, humour, humor, joke, Tommy Sheridan, QVC