Grumbling Tummy

FROM-DAILY RECORD PROBLEM PAGE

Dear Joan

                I am a crack dealer in Greenock who recently has been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus.  My parents live in a suburb of Paisley , and one of my sisters who lives in Ferguslie Park , is married to a transvestite. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and is currently dependant on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes at Blythewood Square.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Peterhead for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is being held in the Barlinnie jail on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.  I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Aberdeen and is still a “part time working girl” in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully the heroin habits that they are so deeply involved with.

All things considered, my main problem is this.  I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is a Celtic Season Ticket Holder ???

Signed

S from Greenock

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says, "Look mum I’m Scottish."

She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can’t believe you just said that, go and tell your gran what you just said."

The boy goes to his gran and says, "Look gran I’m Scottish"

She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can’t believe you just said that, go tell your dad what you just said!" 

The boy goes to his dad and says, "Look dad – I’m Scottish.”

His dad goes ballistic – takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing. Then he says to him – "I can’t believe you just said that, now how do you feel"?

The boy replies, "I’ve only been Scottish for five minutes and already I hate you English bastards!"

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke, English, Scottish

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco’s………

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow………..why else would I buy dog food?

Technorati Tags: dog, humor, jumour, joke, Winalot