Grumbling Tummy

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, ‘Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?’

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, ‘You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!’

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, ‘Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?’

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, ‘Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!’

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, ‘Anybody?’

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, ‘The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.’

Mrs. Parks said, ‘Very good, Billy,’ then turned to Mary and continued. ‘As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.’

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

A  London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow  copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is  a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education  then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some  fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ‘Licence and registration,  please.’

London Lawyer says, ‘What  for?’

Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye   didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’ 

London Lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one  was coming.’

Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye   still didnae  come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.’

London Lawyer says, ‘What’s  the difference?’

Glasgow cop says, ‘The  difference is, ye  huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law,  Licence and registration, please!’

London  Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between  slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration; and you  give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and  don’t give me the  ticket.’

Glasgow cop says, ‘Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir.’

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the  f*ck out of the lawyer and says, ‘Dae  ye  want me to stop,  or just slow doon?’ 

Technorati Tags: Glasgow, humor, humour, joke, London

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerer’s Action group. She had tried every technique in the book.                            

Finally, exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water!" 

The Englishman piped up.  "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.        

"That’s no use, Trevor," said the  speech therapist, "Who’s next ?”

The Scotsman raised his hand and  blurted out   "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-glasgow!”

“That’s no better, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out  "London!”

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist, took him to her private quarters and kept her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry!"

Technorati Tags: joke, humor, humour, speech therapy

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him..

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him..

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so ‘spicy’ that I just laid down and told him, ‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘April Fool!’ And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard!!!!!

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

For all of you who love the things little kids say, a reminder that adult words are often taken literally…..

‘ Circumcised’

(this is priceless!) 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his ‘private part’ hanging out.

‘I thought I told you to call your mom !’ she said. 

‘I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school!’

Technorati Tags: circumcised, humor, humour, joke

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

• A half-gallon of 2% milk,
• A carton of eggs,
• A quart of orange juice,
• A head of romaine lettuce,
• A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
• A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:  ‘Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right.  But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.’

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke