Grumbling Tummy

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker  walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger!

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

I could chuckle all day long at these Chewin’ the Fat clips.

Technorati Tags: Chewin The Fat, Neds, Tuechters

Via The Lone Voice 

Technorati Tags: Australians, Chopper, humor, humour, joke, Ronnie Johns

Billy Connelly Says….

"If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking,

how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Technorati Tags: Billy Connelly, humor, humour, joke

Technorati Tags: joke, humour, humor, YouTube

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don’t feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I’ll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What’s wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I’m afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can’t be  – I’m just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag..

"Have you been having unprotected  sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?” asked the  doctor.

"NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can’t do things like that,  I’m just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor.

"Your mother must have been a carrier!"

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them,  ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.

‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘No!’.   

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out  ‘YUV GOTTAE BE FuKN’ DEED……….’

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’

He slams the door and returns to bed.

‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.

‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push,’ he answers.

‘Did you help him?’ she asks.

‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’

‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out in the pounding rain

He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’

‘Yes,’ comes back the answer.

‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.

‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark.

‘Where are you?’ asks the husband..

‘Over here on the swing,’ replied the drunk.

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

One theory for the etiology of unexplained chronic pain is Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS). Most physicians, surgeons and even psychiatrists don’t believe this to be a credible etiology, but some patients have responded well to treatments devised by Dr John E. Sarno.

Well worth checking out TMSHelp if you suspect this could be the cause of your pain.

Technorati Tags: Dr John E Sarno, pain, Tension Myositis Syndrome, TMS

A woman walks into the Easterhouse benefits office, trailed by 15 kids…

‘WOW, ‘ the social worker exclaims, ‘ Are they ALL yours?

‘They are all mine, ‘ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, ‘ Sit down Terry. ‘

All the children rush to find seats.

‘ Well, ‘ says the social worker, ‘ then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all of your children’s names. ‘   

‘ This one’s my oldest – he’s Terry. ‘

‘OK, and who’s next? ‘ 

‘Well, this one, he’s also Terry. ‘

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

‘All right, ‘ says the caseworker. ‘ I ‘ m seeing a pattern here. Just what’s going on? Are they ALL named the same or what?’

Their Mother replied, ‘ Well, aye -it makes it easier. When it ‘ s time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just shout  ‘Terry! ‘  When it’s time for their dinner, I just yell ‘ Terry! ‘ an ‘ they all come runnin’.An’ if I need to stop the wean who’s running into the street, I just bawl  ‘Terry!’ and all of them stop.  It’s well the smartest idea I’ve ever had, namin ‘ them all the same eh? ‘

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ‘But what if you just want ONE child to come, and not the whole lot, what do you do?’  

The Mother looks at her agog and says….. ‘Eh hello! I call them by their surnames!’

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ”It’s my wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve killed her!”

Operator: ”Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!”

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ”Okay, done that. What next?”

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. 

He says to her, "Hey miss, would ye let me bite yer breasts for 100 pounds?

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. 

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would ye let me bite yer breasts for 1,000 pounds?" he asks.

"Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?"               

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again;

"Would ye let me bite yer breasts jist wan time fer 10,000 pounds?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, 10,000 pounds; ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nay", says the Scotsman. "Costs too much."

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke