Grumbling Tummy

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,  nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from  a  large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.  I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’

‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapis.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the
feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

(Now look what is generalisation of women group!!!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

The women won.

Technorati Tags: computer, humor, humour, joke

Some “Word of Wisdom” sung by Fascinating Aida….

Technorati Tags: cheap flights, Fascinating Aida, funny, humor, humour

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That’s it," he tells his wife. "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That’s no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don’t remember."

Technorati Tags: golf, humor, humour, joke

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

My team lost the pub quiz last night by 1 point.

The last question was:

“Where do most women have curly hair?”

……. apparently the correct answer is Africa!

Technorati Tags: Africa, humor, humour, joke, pub quiz

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lotto?"

She says,  "I’d take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won £20 , here’s £10 – now Fuck off!"

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke, lottery

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife, special birthday. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks ‘I have an idea. It’s so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on – do the modelling naked -  return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself’.

She then appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.  

The husband says ‘Stone me, it wasn’t that creased in the shop’.

His funeral is this Thursday. 

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I’m William . .. the little bastard’s name is Kevin."

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke

When top level guys look down, they see only shit; 
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes…

Technorati Tags: funny, humor, humour, management

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don’t have a mouse.
Caller: Mmmmm??. . Oh really?. . . I will send a picture!

 
Click on the picture to see the nature of the printer jam!

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, IT support, joke, mouse, printer

I  just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 74!

I’m so happy, because I live at 68…..

so it’s not far to walk home afterwards!

Technorati Tags: funny, humour, humor

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. ‘Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.’

‘I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.’

‘I agree,’ says the Father. ‘Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?’

‘Anything, Father.’

‘I have never seen a woman’s chest and I was wondering if I might see yours.’

‘Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.’

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

‘Sister, would you mind if I touched them?’

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

‘Father, could I ask something of you?’

‘Yes, Sister?’

‘I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?’

‘I suppose that would be OK,’ the Priest replied lifting his robe.

‘Oh Father, may I touch it?’

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

‘Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.’

‘Is that true Father?’

‘Yes, it is, Sister.’

‘Oh Father, that’s wonderful ….. Stick it in the camel then,and let’s get out of here!’

Technorati Tags: camel, funny, humour, humor, nun, priest

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’

The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’

The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’

To which the rabbi replied, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’

The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’

The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’

The priest replied, ‘Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, ‘Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, joke, Priest, Rabbi

This one is for everyone who…

1. has kids
2. had kids
3. was a kid
4. knows a kid
5. is going to have kids

I guess that means all of us!!

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ‘Daddy, look at this’ , and stuck out one of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny finger in my mouth and said , ‘Daddy’s gonna eat your finger!’

Pretending to eat it. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her finger with a devastated look on her face.

I said, ‘What’s wrong, honey?’

She replied, ‘What happened to my bogey?’

Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke