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‘Viagra’ is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn’t enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie ‘Princesses’). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers…. and then there are educators.
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.’
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’
‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, ‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance?’
Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’
BOB’s funeral will be on Friday.
Celtic minded people all over the globe are in outrage over what appears to be a blatant act of sectarianism by 2 bigotted pandas.
Celebrity fans like Rod Stewart, Bono, Michelle McManus, Juan Ghuy, Dr Death John Reid and the Japanese Prime Minister have came out and slammed these panda’s for inciting a sensitive issue.
A season ticket holder in the Lisbon Lions stand, Fergal O’Fended raged, “Its pure sectarian am pure raging, couldnae even bring masel tae cash ma Giro, no wit a mean? Ah’m off tae get ma pal Declan and we’re having a bhoycott in the car park!! SACK THE BOARD!!”
Here are the 2 disgraceful panda’s caught in the act……
Technorati Tags: Celtic, pandas, sectarianism
Strange how the plot never changes!
Technorati Tags: 2D TV, Gordon Brown, Labour, Tony Blair
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, ‘Well, Geoffrey , I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
Nah, you all right, I don’t want it,’ said Geoffrey
The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.’How about half a million bucks then?’
‘No thanks. I don’t want it,’ answered Geoffrey .
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again Geoffrey said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Geoffrey , then what do you want?’
Geoffrey said, ‘I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the Pool.”
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?’
‘I’m sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.’
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before,’ he said. ‘Are you taking anything for it?
The woman nodded: ‘Pepper!’
Thanks go to Reversepsychology for the heads-up on this one. He’s just let me know that he doesn’t need an recognition, but I suspect that means he wants to see his name in lights… well I applied some reverse psychology to his statement!
Made me chuckle.
I’m left wondering what would be the equivalent statement here in the UK to get a similar response in the same kind of situation - probably be something involving a knife in our current criminal climate! Anyone come up with something witty?
Technorati Tags: humor, humour, joke, news article
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
‘There’s a car being towed from the parking lot’, he shouted.
‘An Ambulance just drove by.’
‘Looks like the Anderson’s have company’, he called out.
‘Matt’s riding a new bike….’
‘Looks like the Sanders are moving’
‘Jason is on his skate board….’
After a few moments he announced, ‘The Coopers are having sex!!’
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know they are having sex?’
‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.’
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
‘Red………..cherry,’
‘Yellow……..lemon,’
‘Green………lime,’
‘Orange…….orange.’
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
‘Well,’ he said ‘I’ll give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’ One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
‘Oh My God!!!! They’re arse-holes!!’
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages! Video embedded below.
Did I mention it probably isn’t safe for work! Yes, it really is that good.
Technorati Tags: funny, humor, humour, The Website is Down
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