Archive for Words Of Wisdom

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Prestwick and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?"  she asked.

The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy. Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied,  " Edinburgh."

"Really,"  she said.  "I have family in Edinburgh!"

"I know."  the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1.  Death
2.  Taxes
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!

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Cheap Flights

Some “Word of Wisdom” sung by Fascinating Aida….

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Mechanic vs Pilot

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.  
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.  
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield..
S: Suspect you’re right..

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last…………….

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer..
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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Nine Phrases Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm.. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine..

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’)..

Whatever
Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

Don’t worry about it, I’ll do it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it’s true!!!

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MP Doesn’t Know Who Collects Taxes

I can’t believe the media didn’t spot the fact that the Communities Minister, Hazel Blears MP, had a worthless cheque for £13k in her hands the other day! It didn’t have a payee on it!

Hazel Blears with £13k cheque in hand

Still not sure if it is a blank payee?

Close up of Hazel Blears replayment cheque

Looks very much like no payee details!

For Hazel’s benefit, the taxman is called “HMRC” or “Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs”. Heck they probably would also accept “The Capital Gains Bastards”! Here’s hoping she can now finish off that cheque and get it into the post ASAP following my little piece of advice. The country desperately needs this kind of cash in the current financial crisis caused and overseen by the people in power.

I realise many MPs will all be struggling about who collects the taxes of the sheep and plebs so I count this blog post as a public service to the 650 odd “Honourable Members” that attend the mother fucker of all Parliaments, located in that modest wee building in Westminster.

One further tip….Try to avoid numbered Swiss bank account numbers and Cayman Island bank accounts in the payee part of any cheques written out to the taxman.

I really can’t wait for the next general election so the mass cull of all these political parasites can begin.

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There Will be No Depression

This is an interesting article about the current recession and how it won’t end up in depression. Even more interesting is some of the analysis!

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The Frying Pan

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn’t help but notice how lovely Peter’s flat mate, Joanne, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum’s thoughts, Peter volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates.’

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?’

‘Well I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure’, said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,

I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DID’ TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DID NOT’ TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DO’ SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DO NOT’ SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day:

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

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She’s Going to Multiply

‘Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So – if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.’

Love and appreciate all the women in your life

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UPDATED: Gone to the Rabid Dogs

I’ve been informed that the original news agency report, that was picked up by the main stream press, got some of the facts surround this story a little muddled. This blog post has been modified to reflect the corrections starting to appear from the main stream press. As part of the update, we’d like to point out the originally quoted BBC news article still needs to be modified (as of the 24th May) and instead point you over to the Daily Mail updated story and Guardian article that starts with a correction.

What the f&*k! It would appear we have individuals that brings street dogs from Sri Lanka to the UK. It is bizarre that UK import regulation allows this in the first place when Sri Lanka is a known hotspot for Rabies. Turns out that one of the latest batch of puppies from that very country had Rabies and may have infected three people involved in its care.

One of the individuals involved in this incident also runs a UK charity setup to help animals out in Sri Lanka. It should be made clear that the charity, Animal SOS Sri Lanka, wasn’t involved in this particular case as was reported by the main stream press and picked up by myself and the blogsphere at the time.

Now back to the main points of the blog post that were kicked off by reading the original news reports and remain substantively in their original form regardless of who may or may not have brought the infected animal into the UK….

Woof!

Rabid Dog photo

Some important questions I’d like to see answered of those individual who feel the need to import stray dogs:

1. Don’t we have enough dogs looking for homes already in the UK?

2. Why import more from a country that is known to be a Rabies hotspot?

3. Don’t we put down enough dogs in the UK every day because we can’t rehome them?

4. Are the dogs flown into the UK thereby contributing to global warming?

The saving grace behind this story is the UK’s system to keep Rabies out of Britain appears to work a treat. Kudos to the people who thought up our quarantine controls.

Now it is fingers crossed time for the three workers that they don’t go all foamy mouthed and start snarling at passing cars!

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Brokeback Mountain Ruins it for Cowboys

Don’t know where this "came" from but it is perfect spoiler material!

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A Public Health Announcement

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. .and those who don’t.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service

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Poor Little Rich Girl!

Poor little Tricia Walsh-Smith is being evicted from her home by her estranged hubby. You’re probably starting to feel sorry for her, but wait… now watch the video.

Did you hear her?

We never had sex… blah! blah! … high blood pressure… blah! blah!

What she doesn’t realise is she has just talked herself out of being married… no divorce for you! Annulment is the way her "husband", and his lawyers, should be heading after her online declaration that they never had sex. The nookie is the final act to consummate the wedding contract you dumb blonde! A point made in one of the replies….

Stoopid bitch!!!

That said, my favourite video reply, which kind of sums up the vast majority of people’s opinions, is this one…

Now for some great words of wisdom …

… and more of the same …

He’s spot on with this being a scary new development in the YouTube world. Insane bitches everywhere will be firing up their webcams as we speak.

Mr Smith’s lawyers are even getting into the spirit of things…

I think that last one is a bit of a spoof.

Here’s hoping we find out what happens as she goes through the court system.

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The Speedy Pensioner

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car dealership.Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through his grey hair

‘Amazing!’ he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

‘I can get away from him – no problem!’, thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, ‘What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!’

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver’s side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, ‘Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.’

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, ‘Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.’

‘Have a nice day, Sir,’ said the policeman.

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Crazy Cult Warning

Wikileaks is being pursued by the Church of Scientology lawyers to take down the Church’s copyrighted materials, namely, "Church of Scientology collected Operating Thetan documents". The wiki page also makes for interesting reading, including the desist email from the lawyers! Go get a copy before the craziness wins out!

If there is nothing suspect in this religion then why do they litigate whenever and where ever someone questions their principles or places documents in the public domain! It is like the Christian churches banning the Bible from being read by anyone except practicing Christians or practicing Muslims being the only people who can read the Quran and so on. Religion should be free and open to all! Ironically, the promotional video on the  Church of Scientology seems to promote the very virtues that they appear to be going against in their real world activities in courts around the world!

Personally, I tried to read a few pages then I had a wee rethink about why I was reading this insane waffle full of craziness! No wonder websites like ScienTOMogy.com exist and it explains why South Park has produced quite a few episodes that shows the absurdness of this "religious" cult.

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Smoking Room Mural

Robert sent me this image last night.

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Someone fill in the hole quick!

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