A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapis.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the
feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
(Now look what is generalisation of women group!!!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model..
The women won.
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That’s it," he tells his wife. "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That’s no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don’t remember."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife, special birthday. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks ‘I have an idea. It’s so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on – do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself’.
She then appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says ‘Stone me, it wasn’t that creased in the shop’.
His funeral is this Thursday.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I’m William . .. the little bastard’s name is Kevin."
Q. What happens when you mix yellow and blue paint?
A. Yes, you get green!
Q. What happens when you mix Liberal Democrat and Conservative?
A. You get an offer to join the Green Party.
Have the other parties missed a similar opportunity?
Just been watching the Music on 4 Favourites show featuring the awesome dance anthem band Faithless. They performed select tracks from their new album, “The Dance” and the crowd pleasing old classic “God is a DJ”.
They are one of the few remaining dance acts I’d love to see live before I die!
Let’s take a whirlwind tour of my thoughts so far on the local election communications, a big factor in forming the decision on where I’ll be placing my cross on Thursday… actually it will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday as I’ve got a postal vote.
As someone who voted SNP at the Scottish Parliament election I find myself torn to support the independence cause in the upcoming election! The candidate, Rod Campbell, doesn’t seem to have much attachment to North East Fife. I’m sure Rod is a very amenable professional person but I cannot find evidence of any interest in North East Fife politics, issues or constituents.
Let’s look at his online biography to prove this point:
Rod Campbell is an Advocate. Born in Edinburgh, he was educated at Reading School, Exeter University and the Universities of Glasgow and Strathclyde.
He has a degree in politics and qualified as a solicitor in both England and Scotland. For a number of years he was a partner in an international law firm based in London.
He qualified as an Advocate in 2007.
He is Convener of the Perth South branch of the party and a member of the party’s Appeals Committee. He has fought four previous elections for both the Westminster and the Scottish Parliaments.
Can anyone spot anything about North East Fife in there?
But wait there is some hope in the leaflet that has been coming through the letterboxes of NE Fife:
Rod has family ties to the East Neuk.
WTF does that mean? Did his Granny’s second cousin three times removed go to a dentist who was born in Fife! These kind of statements are absurd and show desperation to put something about Fife into an election communication.
More alarmingly he appears to have his political roots in Perth, not Fife! Perhaps that explains why his election leaflets are being delivered by Royal Mail and not the party faithful of Freuchie and surrounding areas.
What about that leaflet? A generic central office spiel that doesn’t highlight a single local issue. It also doesn’t help that he’s stuck way in the back of the SNP candidates photo which can only indicate the powers-that-be have decided he is one of the also rans with nae chance. It felt like a game of “Where’s Wally?” when trying to find him in amongst the other candidates.
Sorry SNP, your choice of candidate and the ill conceived and lazy election communication suggest to me my vote would not be for a local champion on this occasion.
Similar issues surround the choice of the Labour Party, Mark Hood. He is a councillor operating in Gordon Brown’s constituency. Although he appears to be a capable local politician he does look to be a townie with very strong ties to Lochgelly and surrounding areas – that’s two parliamentary constituencies away! The demographic, rural nature and issues of North East Fife are likely a million miles away from his experience earned as a councillor for Lochgelly and Cardenden.
Goodness, he doesn’t even have a filled in profile page on the main Labour Party website! Doesn’t really fill you with confidence about Mark Hood and his party.
Labour are a tired worn out party who really don’t deserve to be re-elected. There campaign slogan should be tweaked to: “Fighting for OUR future!”
This may be slightly irrational but I cannot ever see a time when I’ll be a Tory voter! Like the majority of Scots, we have long memories of how Maggie Thatcher and her cohorts destroyed Scotland, used us as a testing ground for the Poll Tax and the general contempt she had for the nation of Scotland. I also don’t believe in enough of their beliefs and key policies to place my mark in their box.
However, it is only fair to give Miles Briggs the same scrutiny as everyone else! I find his election communication to be a good mix of local and national issues which do at least look like a proper campaign. I’m also personally aware that he has been taking an active role in local issues throughout North East Fife, a big plus point. But it is unclear if he lives and works out of Fife… the election communications is carefully worded to give that impression but he could easily live and operate from anywhere in Scotland!
Finally we come to the incumbent, Sir Ming Campbell. He is one of the most respected politician at Westminster, has a sizeable majority, is highly respected in the NE Fife community, gives money and support to many local organisations and has a home in the constituency.
His election communications have also been a mix of local and national issues and have been hand delivered by party supporters – how’s it going Ewen!
He sent a letter out to the flood victims of Freuchie Mill following the 2008 floods with some very sound advice. Not really that sure of how much he has done by way of lobbying for flood issues since but he did make a token effort at a time when his constituents needed it.
It is disappointing to see his online resources not being used to put across more of the issues and policies. His main website hasn’t been updated in weeks!
Both the Labour Party and the SNP election communications are a massive disappointment and failure. The Conservatives and Lib Dems are showing the others how it should be done.
Sir Ming is certainly well ahead at the moment to win my vote. He’d need to have a “Gordon Brown Bigot” moment to change my mind!
Feel free to try to change my mind by posting a comment!!!